It must be nice…

photo credit: Patrick Savalle via photopin cc
photo credit: Patrick Savalle via photopin cc
photo credit: Patrick Savalle via photopin cc

Before Christmas, I went to a yoga class knowing that over the next few days I’d be more stressed out than usual. Now, I know that yogis have a reputation of being fake, annoying, and crazy but I haven’t really had that experience. A lot of people are really into it but in a completely tolerable way.

It’s a pet peeve of mine, though, when people talk in the first few minutes leading up to a class beginning. I lay there, trying to be calm and meditative for a moment in my life (along with almost everyone else) and someone thinks they need to fill every moment of their life with talking. Of course, I’m not unreasonable. Talking happens. But I would think these people should have the courtesy to whisper. However, there is a kind of person who just doesn’t bother to care or to think about being bothered to care. Rich, privileged, dummies.

The conversation began in the lobby area. It was small talk between two people who (from what I gathered) occasionally see each other at yoga and also happen to ski. (Typing that alone reminds me of how intolerable this all was.) The guy eventually says that he’s going up to Vermont, for Christmas and—obviously—go skiing, because his family will be there. They talk for a moment about how it will take him four hours to drive there. Her response was to sigh in disgust of that kind of car ride and said, very dryly, that a person could fly to the west coast in that much time.

Yeah, OK! Screw the family, skiing, and responsibly using money. Buy an impromptu ticket (probably in first class) to California at the beginning of the most expensive time of the year to fly. Vermont is soooo hard to get to from one state over. That’s right, Vermont is next to New York. Also, Vermont has airports. If this guy wanted to be grandiose about it, he could fly to Vermont!

Idiot.

This was my introduction to these people. Then we go into the studio. That first conversation was dumb but would otherwise just leave my brain eventually as I get my calm on in the class. But this is where they start talking to really grind my gears. I’m too new at yoga to get these people out of my head. My brain doesn’t know how to shut off outside stimuli yet. All I can do is run through my head how selfish these people are and can’t notice what everyone around them is trying to do.

Finally the girl puts the cherry on top of the self-centered sundae. She sniffles slightly. She says, I wish I had some Airborne.

Airborne, the thing people take to keep from getting sick… Why would someone say they wish they had some? Oh, I know, because they felt like they were getting sick! Well that’s fantastic because we’re all in a room with a closed-door and about to breathe excessively for the next 75 minutes.

Narcissist.

By Matt Aromando

Stand-up, improv, and sketch comedian.

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